Characters!

AGENTS OF GLOBAL POLICE INCORPORATED

Medical History: Chain smoker, drinks occasionally, slightly active, foreign object lodged in prefrontal cortex (the front part of the brain or the “Fore Thinkorizor” as Blank puts it), retrograde amnesia, shows symptoms of schizophrenia, impulsive, a danger to himself and others.

Bio: Howard Blank is a detective for Global Police Incorporated. He has had many partners over his ten years with the organization, all now deceased. His most recent partner, Johnathon “Johnny” Taco, has not died yet, though the GPI detectives have a bet going on if he will last much longer.

Before he worked for GPI, Blank was an “average joe” who was shot in the head. Details of the incident remain classified. Operation is impossible due to the severe possibility of damage to his already crippled brain. The bullet remains in his head to this day. There are claims that Howard can hear the bullet in his head talking to him, though these episodes may just be auditory hallucinations or Howard just forgetting that he is on the telephone.

Blank enjoys eating chocolate, learning gun tricks, cooking, and making corny jokes.

Medical History: Does not smoke, does not drink, moderately active, has generalized anxiety and a minor inferiority complex. Exposed to constant second-hand smoke from Howard Blank.

Bio: Johnathon Taco is a third-generation American immigrant, after his grandparents moved to New York City from the Center of the Earth. Taco joined Global Police Incorporated after completing his courses at the GPI academy. Chief Roger Overnaut partnered him with Howard Blank. Their bickering Odd Couple-style relationship has never gotten in the way of them getting the job done. Well, it has, but it still gets done anyway.

Taco has family in New York City, a mother and a little sister, to whom he sends the occasional paycheck and visits to do some laundry. His mother’s boyfriend, George, is a constant source of embarrassment and stress for Johnny. Johnny refuses to admit that he has an older brother.

Johnny likes auteur cinema, pizza, reading books, and being the smartest person in the room.  

Medical History: Exercises often, drinks socially, sometimes bums cigarettes off of Howard Blank. No major surgical history, save for wisdom teeth removal…during a torture session.

Bio: Miss Penny Dollarnickel is Global Police Incorporated’s executive secretary, meaning that she answers directly to Chief Roger Overnaut. Originally from England, Dollarnickel joined the GPI Academy at a young age. Dollarnickel’s history with GPI before becoming the Chief’s secretary is a closely guarded secret, yet some rumors persist that she is involved with a top-secret initiative called “Operation Ozma.” Information about Operation Ozma remains classified.

Dollarnickel’s mother still lives in England. She calls Dollarnickel occasionally to complain about the fact that she is not married yet, that she has no children yet, and that she keeps having to pay so much money for international phone calls.

Miss Dollarnickel enjoys going to the beach, drinking wine, and reading romantic detective novels.

Medical History: Drinks a lot, smokes a lot, exercises a lot, ulcers on stomach lining, addicted to painkillers and acid reducers, three instances of cardiac arrest, constant stress, bad back, bad knee, bad foot, bad ear, bad temperament.

Bio: Chief Roger Overnaut is the Chief of Global Police Incorporated. Born and raised in the American South, Overnaut grew up with a strong sense of justice instilled in him by the wild wolves who found him as a child and cared for him as their own. Since graduating from Texas Tech University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Fist-Fighting, Overnaut has served as a man of the law for years, and was the top candidate to become the first chief of GPI when it was formed in 1920. It is said that Overnaut injects himself with the blood of wild rhesus monkeys. It is also said that he bathes in the milk of bears to keep himself healthy and young, something his three heart attacks have seemingly ignored.

Chief Roger Overnaut enjoys musicals, dancing and lip-syncing to Judy Garland songs, and re-reading the Wizard of Oz books repetitively.  

VILLAINS

Medical History: Drinks socially, never smokes, does yoga daily, suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and delusions of grandeur. Has scars on right leg from incident when she stole all of the Boston Red Sox’s red socks.

Bio: Little is known about Aida Sanantonio, if that even is her real name (it probably isn’t). No one knows where she is from, but everyone knows exactly what she wants: to steal what cannot be stolen. The iconic purple trench coat and purple hat are her battle armor, as well as the hundreds of henchmen and scores of helicopters at her disposal. How does she afford this? Your guess is as good as ours.

Aida Sanantonio has a deadly rivalry with GPI, particularly Howard Blank. Sources are not clear on whether she wants to kill him or kiss him, but it is probable that Aida will probably try to do both. When she is not stealing impossible things or wooing Howard Blank, Aida commissions artists to write theme songs for herself.

Aida Sanantonio enjoys crossword puzzles, gourmet coffee, cats, and comfortable sweaters.

Medical History: Never drinks or smokes thanks to a binding social contract. Exercises rarely. Bad dental history. Has mites in his ears. Behavior suggestive of strong antisocial tendencies. A danger to himself and others. Especially others.

Bio: For the better part of ’20s and ’30s, Ozzy Possum was a film star for Grant Grizzly Studios. His star began to fall as his hair-trigger temper combined with his frequent dealings with organized crime groups clashed with Grizzly Studios’ policies. Despite this, Possum was a celebrated figure among children.

In the mid-’40s, Grizzly Studios capitalized on the new technology of television with “The Ozzy Possum Club,” a variety show hosted by Possum himself. The show was on the air for eight years, and was responsible for starting the careers of several entertainers. However, in 1953, Ozzy Possum was accused of having socialist connections. He was brought before the House Un-American Activities Community where he somehow proved he was innocent (even though he wasn’t), but the damage to his career was already done.

After being cut loose from Grizzly Studios, Ozzy Possum pursued a life of crime, and began to secretly work for the Soviets, doing exactly what the HUAC had accused him of doing in the first place.

Ozzy Possum enjoys wearing suspenders, slapstick humor, animated cartoons, and killing people.

Medical History: Never smokes, drinks Baijiu, a Chinese drink so alcoholic, one shot gives you liver problems. Exercises on the most evil of exercise machines, the treadmill. Muscle and nerve damage from being shot in the leg by Howard Blank. Walks with a cane. Claims his psychological diagnosis is “EVIL,” but the psychological community has yet to diagnose anyone as “evil.”

Bio: Dr. Zheng was the son of American missionaries in China, and grew up in Beijing. During this time, he watched old Republic serials and fantasized about being a mustache-twirling villain. However, his dreams would be shattered at twelve years old when he could not grow a mustache.

Never to be deterred, Dr. Zheng enrolled at Tsinghua University, and did not declare his major until his senior year, claiming it was in “EVIL Studies.” Tsinghua University did not offer any courses in this subject, but Zheng was able to come close by taking mostly liberal arts classes. It was at Tsinghua University that he met Ming Wa, who would later become his wife after weighing her options, and going with the lesser of many evils.

Dr. Zheng lives on a mysterious island that no one can find. At least he claims. His island is located a few miles away from Mololini. The island has many features, such as an entire staff of robots, a roller coaster, a hotel, a spa area, several laser cannons, and a Grizzly Store.

Dr. Zheng enjoys being EVIL. And reading the funny section of the newspaper.

Medical History: Never drinks, never smokes, exercises often.

Ming Wa was orphaned at the age of three on the streets of Hong Kong. She escaped the British territory to mainland China, where she enrolled herself in a classy boarding school. Through sheer determination, she made perfect marks and was able to attend Tsinghua University. It was there that she met her future husband, Dr. Zheng. Dr. Zheng asked her out three times over the course of their four years together. Ming Wa, interested only in her studies, decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and went out with him.

Ming Wa pitied Dr. Zheng, and she mistook her pity of him with love. They became married, and he whisked her away from China to a small island somewhere in the Pacific. There, she became bored with domestic life. Over time, she grew to enjoy any time GPI detectives thwarted Dr. Zheng because they gave her the only excitement in her life. Secretly, she planned a new life away from Dr. Zheng, but was too afraid of upending her life by leaving him.

Ming Wa enjoys criminal activity, cool sunglasses, classic literature, and traditional Chinese fashion.

Medical History: Never smokes, never drinks, cancer in remission, history of bacterial infection. Shows signs of narcissism.

Bio: Hemlock was once an average biologist who studied the effect radiation had on plant life. Unfortunately, she fell into a pit of radioactive poison hemlock, though she thinks she was pushed (she wasn’t). The pit gave her cancer, so she moved to an undisclosed South American country to find plant-based medicine that could cure her cancer. Unfortunately, this gave her a bacterial infection.

After praying to the goddess of plants, Antheia, she was given the power to command plants and make them grow through her usage of plant pheromones. Unfortunately, this came at a price: she must now save the planet from the threat of global warming! Fortunately, Hemlock was already an environmental advocate, so this wasn’t much of a change.

Hemlock enjoys trees, roses, gardens, and spending time with her girlfriend, Mime Girl.

FRIENDS OF HOWARD AND JOHNNY

Medical History: Smokes occasionally, drinks socially. Exercises with the other neighorhood mothers once a week. Follows fad diets, which causes fluctuating weight. Highly stressed from her job as a waitress at B.G. Enchilada’s Automat.

Bio: Trisha Taco grew up in New York City, the daughter of Tacosaurus immigrants from The Center of the Earth. She grew up poor, and worked three jobs at a time to make rent. This changed when an American soldier, also a Tacosaurus, swept her off her feet and married her. She had three children with him, two of which are Johnny Taco and Tina Taco. After the loss of her husband, Trisha started working in a diner to make the rent.

While Johnny was in high school, his science teacher, George Saurus, became enamored with Trisha. During a PTA meeting, he asked her out on a date, and a love affair bloomed to Trisha’s great joy and Johnny’s horrible irritation. Once Johnny moved out of the house, George secretly moved in with Trisha and Tina. They try to avoid any gossip.

Trisha enjoys chocolates, spending time with her family, birdwatching, and trying to forget the past.

Medical History: Never drinks, sometimes smokes, stands for long periods of the day, rarely exercises, early onset arthritis in the knees due to limited evolutionary setbacks in the species of brontosaurus becoming bipedal.

Bio: George Saurus was born in the Center of the Earth, and was part of a foreign exchange program in America. While in America, he became fascinated with science, and dedicated his life to becoming a scientist. However, his father’s gambling addiction caused him to be unable to complete his Masters’ degree. He is still unable to afford the rest of his graduate education.

Never deterred, George decided to pursue teaching students his love of science. He has taught science classes at C. Kritt High School for twenty-five years. During his time there, he met Johnny Taco, a troubled student he tried to take under his wing. At a PTA meeting, he met Johnny’s mother, Trisha, and the two began a love affair that embarrasses Johnny to this day.

George enjoys attending lectures, reading books, reading essays, reading articles, grading, and learning.

Medical History: Never smokes, never drinks, exercises every day at school. Once had a bad scrape on her elbow that took three kisses from mommy to heal.

Bio: Tina Taco grew up with a single mother, an atypical experience for most dinosaurs. Because of her mother’s job at a diner, Tina spent a lot of time at their neighbor, Mrs. Sandawitz’s house. There, Tina’s frequent boredom gave her a gigantic imagination, as well as a love for all of the people around her.

Tina enjoys being a princess, swinging on swings, playing with her dolls, and annoying her big brother Johnny.